Three Fat Pigs

As a follow-on to Three Little Pigs, we present you with Three Fat Pigs.

Once upon a time, as all good stories begin, there were three pigs. One was big, the other was middle sized and the third was smaller as is often the way with pigs.

Now, in all good stories there are two people who fall in love. The love-struck couple in our story are called Kiri and Steve.

Oh! How Kiri and Steve loved each other and they both also loved pigs. Such was their love for each other that they became betrothed and they planned and planned and PLANNED their wedding day. Menus were discussed and it was decided that the starring role would be given to a pig. And so it was that the first two porkers were chosen and named. Both of them belonged to Farmer Brian who was as big as a mountain but as gentle as a warm summer breeze.

Kiri visited Farmer Brian’s farm and liked the biggest pig best. She named him ‘Punky the Wedding pig’ but he was know to his friends as ‘Wedding’. The middle-sized one was named by Farmer Brian who decided to call him ‘Spare’. Then there was a third pig, who doesn’t enter our story just yet. He was a bit of a loner and definitely wasn’t a local. All that was known of him was that he came from ‘the South’ and he was a pig of few words. For the purposes of this tale we will call him ‘the pig with no name’.

All went well for several months. Farmer Brian took good care of his animals and gave them plenty to eat and a lovely field to play in. Meanwhile, Kiri and Steve continued to plan and PLAN their special day. But, as you know, in all good pig tales, there is a moment of angst, a moment so concerning that the reader is left to ponder the fate of a pig, or the lovers, or even the menu for the special day. And so it was with was with this story. That moment arrived just a few days before the ‘great day’ and this is the point where our story goes pear-shaped, or was it pig shaped?

The Tuesday morning, on which our valiant pigs met their end, dawned bright and clear. It seemed as though it would be a lovely day. Our betrothed twosome licked their lips in anticipation of all the sausages and roasted hog that they would soon be offering to their guests. But, alas, by Thursday morning it was clear that something was amiss. Farmer Brian received news of the portliness of his two pampered porkers. “Whoa!” cried Brian, “those are big boys! I don’t think either will fit on the spit” – and he was right! The Hog Roaster laughed out loud at the news of the weigh-in. Even Spare was 20kg over the mark.

With just 48 hours to go before the big day there was no pig for the spit! It was decided that our lovely couple should remain oblivious to all of this but someone was needed who could save the day. Farmer Brian had no more pigs to offer, so Richard, who loved the happy couple very much, set about finding a new pig, He hunted high and low and eventually located our third, nameless, porker who was, until that point, ‘as-happy-as-a-pig-in-clover’ somewhere south of here. With the help of a few kind locals, No Name was quickly ‘dispatched’ and Farmer Brian, who was as kind as he was large, delivered him just in time for The Roaster to roast him.

However, there was a final twist to this tale [as there often is with a pig’s tail]. When No Name, who was also quite a big boy, arrived, he was complete – and therefore even he was too heavy for the spit. Our hero again sprang into action. Fetching his trusty [or was it rusty] saw from the shed he shouted “off with his head” and the deed was done. So our story had a happy ending even if our pigs didn’t. No Name was enjoyed by all and the happy couple were none-the-wiser but definitely much-the-happier.

But what of our other two piggies?

Well, ‘Spare’ provided all the sausages for the BBQ with plenty left over for another day. These were ceremoniously paraded across the orchard in their very own carriage escorted by two fair maidens called Tina and Christine. They were then cooked to perfection by the mighty duo known as Richard and Rob. Wedding’, on the other hand, who weighed in at over 100kg was taken to
farmer Jo’s butcher who turned him into a freezer full of pork for the Retreat Centre. All who saw him were amazed at his colossal size and he soon became know far-and-wide as ‘Monster Pig’.

The moral of this story, then, is clear…
Never count on your porkers before they are weighed and always make sure you have a hero on hand to save the day if your pig turns out to be a monster!

Author: Richard Hann